


The Coruscant Daily-A Newspaper Dedicated To Bringing You The Most Important And Scandals Unfolding Within The Galaxy

by Chicken_WithaSaber



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Comedy, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, News Media, This is essentially a collection of comedic news articles, This is meant for laughs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:54:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26999281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicken_WithaSaber/pseuds/Chicken_WithaSaber
Summary: A collection of comedic news articles that ask the important things, such as," What shampoo does Kylo Ren use?", and "Why are those MSE Droids wearing colorful sweaters?!"
Kudos: 5





	The Coruscant Daily-A Newspaper Dedicated To Bringing You The Most Important And Scandals Unfolding Within The Galaxy

The Coruscant Daily- _Bringing you the latest news and scandals unfolding within the galaxy_ ™

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The Last Jedi, a young woman called Rey [no last name known], was recently proclaimed “The Last Jedi” after Luke Skywalker recently vanished into thin air after fighting his nephew, the new Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. Recently, however, informants have notified me that The Last Jedi may perhaps be going insane. She was spotted recently swinging her lightsaber through the air and reportedly screamed phrases such as, _“Murderous Snake!”_ , and _“Why would you kill your father, you monster?”_ It appears that the Jedi lifestyle is simply too much a simpleminded girl from Jakku. Such a shame. Who decided to give her title of _Last Jedi_ anyways?

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The First Order is trying -and failing miserably- to crush rumors of abuse and murder within the organization. A spy has informed us that mass graves filled with bodies of Imperial Officers and Stormtroopers have been found on both Dathomir and Mustafar. Within the past week, fifty-seven more employees died of supposedly mysterious causes. When asked to comment, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren stated, _“I have… an explosive temper, and sometimes it gets out of hand. Doesn’t that happen to everyone? Shop shaming me for what I can’t control!”_ At this point, our intern jumped into hyperspace and barely made it out alive. An hour later, three more deaths were reported.

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Our fashion reporter here at The Coruscant Daily recently got the rare opportunity to interview the current Supreme Leader on his famous wardrobe choices. Here is what he had to say about his chosen color palette: _“Black just really speaks to the soul, y’know? Like, it just makes me feel dark and brooding. Pair any black item of clothing with a red lightsaber, and let me tell you, everyone’s eyes will be on you! [laughs]”_ When asked about why he prefers his garments to be made of Tusken Raider skin, the Supreme Leader had one thing to say: “ _I’m always busy destroying something or murdering someone. My clothes are always covered in blood. So, whatever I wear has_ _got to be durable. Tusken Raider skin is some of the toughest material out there, which is why I prefer my outfits made out of it.”_

How fascinating! So, ladies, gents, and droids, now we know what clothing the dashing yet destructive Supreme Leader wears. If only we could find out what products he uses on his hair....

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We all know that being a Stormtrooper in the First Order is a dangerous, exhausting job. Most troopers die in battle, and many others are left with both physical and emotional scars. We spoke to trooper FN-2194 about how he copes with the trauma: _“It’s really hard seeing your closest friends die in front of you every day. Just one shot, and they’re gone forever…I’m still learning how to process it all. Ideally, I’d hire a therapist, but….the First Order won’t cover the bill. So, I’ve started to knit as a hobby. I really enjoy making little sweaters for the MSE droids. It’s very therapeutic.”_

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The Coruscant Daily is reporting back with another scandal from within The First Order: Rumor has it that the Supreme Leader himself enjoys an evening in with a good romance novel. The source, who asked not to be identified told us, _“I went in his quarters to give a report and caught him resting with one of those trashy romance novels. I think it was called ‘Love Across the Stars’ or something.”_ Another anonymous source has recently come forward and told us that the supreme leader has been known to watch romance movies on his time off. How surprising!


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